January 9, 2013

Conversations in the Rain

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Mama & Me
Mama & Me

In two days, it will have been 14 years since my mother passed away… FOURTEEN YEARS. For quite some time, it only made the pain of this loss seem so much more magnified because, logically (it seemed), it should have gotten EASIER each year, because, afterall, you always hear that “time heals all wounds,” right? WRONG. Whomever said that is FULL OF IT. Lets be real; shall we?¬†

Time does NOT heal that kind of “wound.” What it DOES do, however, is give you a chance to LEARN how to better COPE with the pain of not having someone around that you thought would be with you… THAT’S what time does, if you use it appropriately.

I was 17-years-old & a senior in high school when my mother passed away. I was at that age when I was realizing that my mother, in all her beauty & wisdom & strength was a REAL human being. She was someone that I could see myself REALLY being FRIENDS with… REALLY GOOD FRIENDS, rather than “that bitch that was put on earth to ruin my life.” Sounds harsh, I know, but it’s the truth. I was coming to an age where that teenage turmoil between mother & daughter was coming to an end & I was –finally!– seeing my mother as the beautiful, strong woman that God had made her to be…

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In the years that have passed, I graduated high school; gave birth to two healthy, handsome little boys; had a few career changes; struggled with things I shouldn’t have dabbled in; lived out of my vehicle twice; and, now, met the love of my life. These (amongst many others) are ALL things I wish I could have shared with or leaned on my mother for — before, during, or after. I miss her pretty much every day, some days more than others, but it’s constantly a thought…

I have already learned so much about how to cope with this loss, but I still have a lot to learn in that regard… I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning this lesson. There are so many conversations I wish we could have had & so much I wish I could have learned from her… My grandmother once told me that she & her mother (my great-grandmother) used to sit on the porch when it was raining & just talk… I love that. I love it even more when she added that sometimes, even now that my great-grandma has passed on, she will pull TWO chairs out onto the porch when it is raining & have a conversation with her mother. I LOVE THAT.

With this inspiration, I realize that even though my mother may not walk this Earth in the same way you & I do, she still walks beside me in a much different way. I can still have conversations with her… She may not be able to respond in the same ways I would like her to, but her presence can still be found throughout my life & through everyone whose life she ever touched. THAT is something I can take comfort in…

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