Confidence & Chaos is a participant in various affiliate programs designed to provide a means to earn additional income by linking to other products or services. There is no additional cost to you by clicking through on these links. You can read more about it here.
I am a woman of contradictions.
Black AND white. 😉 (Yeah. I had to work that in there. LOL. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t!)
Timid, yet bold.
I like to socialize, but I really am an introverted homebody.
I am enjoying math & being a student, but I really like having an outlet through my writing.
Calculated AND creative. . . (but, lately, I feel more like I’m calculating with not enough creating).
I am a woman of extremes — one extreme or the other. It’s frustrating sometimes. . . But, it’s usually only frustrating when I can’t figure out how to balance all these different parts of me.
With that said, I am in a place in life where I am so, so blessed to be able to figure all of that out. (Thankful #1)
The handsome husband is so incredibly supportive of my aspirations that I am almost in disbelief sometimes. (Thankful #2) I am a full-time student, working towards finally earning a degree. . . & for the first time in a very long time, I don’t feel trepidation about the future — I can actually see a vague picture of where I am headed & it sincerely looks like a place I actually want to be. (Thankful #3) That’s a GLORIOUS feeling! It shouldn’t be swept under the rug.
Now, that’s the practical side of things. . . The part that lets me choose how I want to make a living. . . That lets me plan to be the financial supporter of my family, but still be able to spend time with them. . . There’s also that side of me that just needs to express myself without feeling like a burden. . . The side that needs to be able to ramble on & on about whatever it is that’s on my mind in a medium that is socially acceptable. . . . This is where Calculated Chaos comes in! BLOGGING! (Thankful #4) Thank God for blogging.
I know I treat this corner of the web as my personal online diary that just happens to be aired out to the entire world. . . That might not be what a lot of people think of when they hear “blog,” but that is what it has turned into for me. It is a place to rid my brain of thoughts that won’t stop circulating. It’s constructive. It’s somewhat calculated. It helps me make sense of all of this chaos.
Then, there’s that side of me that knows I need to draw the line somewhere. . . I know I can’t share everything here, even if it seems like I must come awfully close. . . But I still need an outlet. SO, I take those things & fictionalize them — hype them up & twist them to the point of near-disbelief & turn them into fictional stories. . . Okay. That’s a fib. I don’t quite do that yet. . . But I’ve got a meager start & I aspire to do that. . . I can do that. I am in a position in life where it is absolutely a possibility. (Thankful #5)
I test-drove my fiction-writing abilities, trying to boost my confidence, when I posted for Two Shoes Tuesday earlier this week. The feedback I did get was encouraging. (Thankful #6) I am not sure what I would’ve done if it wasn’t. . . & the more I let myself think about it, the more I realize that the positive encouragement I received as a result of posting that short bit could very well be masked discomfort from people not sure what to say about my (what could be) atrocious writing abilities. . .
It could be. . . BUT, I also am proud of myself for just doing it. I had been considering doing something like that for a while, but just couldn’t get up the nerve. This week, I barely thought about it. I just had an idea pop into my head as a result of the writing prompt & I just let my fingers free on the keyboard. . . The results were satisfying, so I shared them. It’s as simple as that.
Frightening. But Exhilarating too. . . Another contradiction. Coincidence? I think not.
(I just took a peek at next week’s Two Shoes Tuesday prompts. . . Hopefully inspiration will strike again. . . It’d be nice to make those my fiction exercises each week. . . We will see. 😉 )
I am learning to embrace them. . . My contradictions. . . (Thankful #7 — because it is ME, so I had better learn to accept it, eh?)
SO, what else have I been wanting to do, but haven’t — whether it be out of fear or uncertainty or just low self-confidence?
WELL, there’s this fictional work-in-progress (which I will have to give a name to eventually, rather than continuing to call it “my fictional work-in-progress”). I haven’t mentioned it too terribly much before because I have made such little progress with it that I am almost ashamed. . . Almost. Not completely, because at least I’ve started. . . & I haven’t abandoned it altogether. . . & because, I took a leap based off something I very recently learned about in one of my Facebook writing groups. . . (I’ve mentioned before that I am a Facebook addict, so that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone reading this. . . LOL)
I’ve heard of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). If you haven’t heard of it, basically, it’s when a bunch of people pledge to write a minimum of 50,000 words in the month of November. . . The goal is to walk away with a first-draft — or at least a REALLY good start of one — by the time the month is over. The past few Novembers, it snuck up on me & I didn’t have my thoughts nearly formed enough to even attempt to give it an honest try. . . So I didn’t.
Then, in the aforementioned group, I came to know about Camp NaNoWriMo. It is an online “camp” where you choose your own word-count & project & specify what it is at the start of the month, then you have the option to join “cabins,” (which are really just glorified chat rooms, from what I can tell) with up to 11 other writers for support & encouragement & friendly competition.
I had no idea it even existed! Whaaaa?? 😉
Camp Nano is held in April & again in July. . . Yep. April — as in less than four days away! Whoo hoo! (Thankful #8) SO, I went ahead & signed up to participate. My goal is a mere 20,000 words — 667 per day, on average. The point will be to form some kind of consistency in my progress, to further build my confidence in my abilities with that type of writing, & to end the month with a good, SOLID start to my overall story. . .. It’d be especially fruitful if I actually made a few new writer friends in the process too, ya know? 😉
I am quite proud of myself for having the guts to even sign up — & now to be putting it out into the blogosphere that I am going for it. (Thankful #9) But, frankly, I will be even more thankful when I actually follow through. . . So, if you think about it, ask how it’s going in a week or two. 😉
Last on my list in this department has to do with organization. It is a common pattern for me to have my surroundings be the most disorganized when my brain is the most cluttered. The more stressed or depressed or just plain UNWELL my brain is, the more cluttered & disorganized my home & work spaces are. . . It’s a pattern. It’s my reality. On the flip side, sometimes — once in a GREAT while — the REVERSE can be true: If I can get my surroundings organized, my thoughts are also better organized.
SO, the handsome husband has been setting up his office for his gaming endeavors, which makes me incredibly happy because he works his ass off to support us & now he is FINALLY relaxing just a TOUCH to do something for HIMSELF. (THANKFUL #10) It’s also on my 101 in 1001, so it’ll be nice to be able to cross that off once he gets it done — YES, his office is on my 101 in 1001.
ANYWAY, he made a comment about setting me up a little desk in the office too; I could use it for my school work & blogging & writing & such, he said. I rejected the idea at first, but then I got to thinking.
De-clutter my surroundings to de-clutter my mind.
SO, sometime in the not-so-distant future, I intend to set up a small desk in the corner of the livingroom, rather than his office, so that I can have a dedicated spot for all of my school, blogging, & writing-related stuffs. I think it will come in SUPER handy &, rather than having everything in five different places, it can have one home. I am quite looking forward to it.
In the meantime, I have a more-than-capable little lap desk with my little notebook computer on my corner of the couch that has served me well all this time. 😉
Contradictions. They can work together. . . I just need to act on ’em. . . Choosing NOT to is to ignore the fact that I really am SO BLESSED to be able to. . . Not everyone has these opportunities. It’d be crazy not to at least try. . .
SO, what are YOU thankful for this week?? Don’t be bashful — share in the comments below. . . THEN, pop over HERE to see what others are thankful for this week. 😉
(If you’re a blogger, you’re welcome to join in! Check it out here.)