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Have you ever made plans & had EVERY intention of keeping them only to cancel at the last minute — or just totally flake out without notice? Or, have you created a new schedule for yourself (in an attempt to just be normal, if nothing else!) that you SOMEHOW managed to keep for all of ONE day before you just let it fizzle out from under you?
Maybe you’ve simply just FINALLY rolled your booty up out of bed, made your coffee, & plopped yourself in your favorite place in the livingroom. Then, ALL attempts at productivity, to the outside eye, seem to have completely STOPPED there. Your day, from that point on, is WASTED?
And no matter which of these scenarios — or situations like them — you find yourself in, there’s this internal dialogue going on in your head:
Why do you have to be so lazy? Why can’t you just get up & DO it? You’re making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. If you’d just START, you’ll realize your tasks today won’t take nearly as long as you’re making them out to be in your head!
This is why you fail at everything you try. THIS is why you have nothing to show for the efforts you DO put forth! You’re NEVER consistent! You are a flake. You can’t be depended on.
Making larger goals for yourself is a complete FUTILE effort. What’s the point? You’ll just screw them away anyhow. Save yourself the effort — as if you’d even try hard enough anyway.
You’re doomed to spend your days just EXISTING. There’s no such thing as THRIVING for someone like you.
WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE NORMAL?!
Let me stop you there.
You don’t have to admit whether you can identify with ANY of this.
I get it. That’s a FRIGHTENING prospect in & of itself — to openly, in ANY kind of public forum, admit that you’ve got issues. I know.
I know because this is TOTALLY me. These are real-life things I’ve done –& do! — on a regular basis. The above is my ACTUAL inner dialogue — The Bitch in my mind.
I’m feeling like I’m getting to a point in life when I need to let go of the past. Even more so, I need to let go of the life I once wanted for myself.
AND, part of that means letting go of the PERSON I thought I was & could be. She just doesn’t exist.
Who am I really? What is REALLY possible for me, given all of my limitations?
I don’t know yet. And that’s scary & SAD all at the same time.
I have bipolar disorder. There’s been no attempt at keeping that a secret around this part of the Cyber World. It’s no joke though — & it IS hard to share.
It is hard to admit that I really DO want to just be normal (whatever that is).
If I could just be normal, I’d have a flourishing business & blog.
If I could just be normal, I’d actually have a clean house I don’t mind inviting people over to.
If I could just be normal, I’d actually have friends I’d WANT to invite over!
If I could just be normal, I wouldn’t feel so INADEQUATE all the time.
If I could just be normal… But I’m just NOT.
The list goes on…
It’s like everyone else gets to drive an automatic transmission while I am stuck with a manual. On a hill. In the snow. While I am bawling & the radio is stuck on something I hate at a high volume.
And I will ALWAYS have to stay one step ahead of the terrain. I will ALWAYS have to anticipate when to shift gears by adjusting medication or getting more sleep or skipping the coffee or saying NO to something I would prefer to say YES to… All in the name of keeping some kind of balance to my mood…
I want to say it doesn’t define me… But, it IS a HUGE part of me now. I can’t deny it.
My only choice is to embrace it — because fighting it is futile.
And, as you could’ve guessed, the stigma (much like that voice in my mind) is a BITCH.
It’s not fair or right.
I didn’t ask for this.
I am doing the best I can… & I am furious I cant use all the knowledge I have to just be successful doing the things I like to do. (Like growing this blog consistently, running my online community, & growing my network marketing business, for instance.)
If it weren’t for this bipolar disorder, I could!
So much has gone to shit because of it.
BUT, that’s not the hand I was dealt.
God had other plans for me.
And I believe my purpose has EVERYTHING to do with my diagnosis. I will do GREAT things BECAUSE of it — NOT despite it… God makes no mistakes. I am as I should be & God knows my heart & mind & I am equipped to do His works somehow.
That’s why I bother sharing even when it’s embarassing & frightening & seems just as futile as all of my other efforts! (Keepin’ it real with that last one!)
I just need to trust it will work out…
This is what I tell myself anyway… ?